How I overcome my illness

The southern area of Vietnam this season is incredibly hot. I can say that the weather is as hot as my temper every time I'm on the drag. Not funny at all. 

I get mad with almost everything and no way I could maintain my composure to deal with situations arising in my daily activities which affect my mental health badly. Whenever I feel out of track, I talk a lot, or text a lot, depending on which methods I use for communicating. But most of the time, I text a lot. I usually allow negative thoughts to drag me down and sometimes intrusive thoughts, whatever it can be, the devil inside me, the personification of all the worst will emerge and screw things up. In short, these days, I'm seriously lost my mind and fall into a giant angry pot full of boiling water with hatred towards life. 

Me of some years ago suffered PMS more severely than now,  I even wanted to die and cried literally everyday in the week before my period. I would deceive myself that I was the most miserable person in the world and became immersed in depression but I was satisfied with that horrible feeling. I didn't know why but there was a tumult of joy after hurting myself with tears, I was kind of addicted to it. If I hadn't realized the truth behind all that, I would have run off the track again ... and felt useless for another 3 years. 

So how do I overcome my illness?

You know, life is a circle, things happen again and again and each month you will find yourself experiencing the same thing you did previous months, you find it familiar and you can't explain since you're too busy to actually decipher it. My illness, a constituent part of the whole, is also recurring and nesting with the flow of life, it reoccurs to challenge my limitation and I really need to win over it to feel healthier and happier in all the years I have left. 

Yesterday, I had encountered emotional turbulence after scrolling through Facebook's timeline and suddenly had a flashback to that day of 4 years ago when I was proudly standing on the stage receiving my top-ranking diploma. I felt regretful because I thought everything I had in a moment will gradually diminish throughout time and nobody will remember me as fully as how I am living now. I felt like I was fading and my mood shifted to the level where I couldn't hold the bitter taste invading my tongue. Earlier that day, I did watch The Lover and memories about my ex came back like a boomerang. Those hot summer days when we were lying next to each other naked, the sunlight crept into the small window on the wall and painted a lighter patch over the pale yellow corner. Oh love, lessons to grow up. What can I say? We all know the feeling of it though. Turbulent feelings mixed between sadness and regret from lingering stories of the past in bits and pieces, accidentally I had let them stimulate my dark pleasure. 

I am quite busy now with my plan, something I call a real deal and of course I have to keep in touch with people to discuss my plan. However, in this situation, I know I can't keep my mind clear to have a proper conversation with anyone. I couldn't keep calm and behave politely as I should have. I started acting crazy and blaming people for what they have no idea about. But luckily I acknowledged the existence of it and I knew it was time for me to confront myself.

This morning I had a serious talk with myself and I felt a lot better. Whenever you feel down or encountered PMS, don't talk to other people because you will accidentally hurt them by forcing negative energy on them which will affect your relationships badly. So, just confront yourself. 

- Des, I need to talk to you. What's wrong with you? You think you have the right to get mad at people?

- I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

- Oh God, how is it possible? It never occurred to you to talk with me?

- I don't know. I get mad over everything. Like I know what I'm doing, so please, you people just shut up and mind your own business. Everybody is thinking I'm not serious with what I'm doing now. What the hell?

- Oh I see the same, bitch. If you were serious enough, you would not be sitting here and immersing in what you call depression. 

- I did not once say I was depressed. 

- But you're acting so. Everybody sees it. You get angry at people. For what though? And the only good thing you need to do is talking with me right away but you didn't even think about it. 

- Okay, I'm sorry.

- You know what you need to do now?

- Nope.

- Do something with your job.

- Okay, I will write, about you and me. 

Yeah, that's it, the whole conversation.

"With the knowledge of the temperaments, one bears with fellow men more patiently. If one knows that their defects are the consequence of their temperament, he excuses them more readily and will not easily be excited or angered by them. He remains quiet, for instance, even if a choleric is severe, sharp-edged, impetuous, or obstinate. And if a melancholic person is slow, hesitating, undecided; if he does not speak much and even if he says awkwardly the little he has to say.

It is of the greatest benefit furthermore to recognize fully one's own temperament. Only if one knows it, can he judge correctly himself, his moods, his peculiarities, his past life."

There are two people in me. One is choleric and another is melancholic. They are living harmoniously inside of me and I cannot let anyone go. Without each other, they can't live or survive. Right now I'm not even sure which one is dominating and composing this post but accepting oneself is something ought to be done and I know I'm doing the right thing.