Ambling along the slippery isle of my perception, deep inside of that dark hole, the light burst in and I know I'm awakening. I have heard about that word several times in the past, but I had never actually had any remarkable insight of it, yet I know I'm awakening, at least for this moment, in this phase of my life. I have contemplated many things, along with multiple questions I have been asking myself, I also look back every route that I took when facing the crossroads and I saw a giant problem which has troubled me for a quite long period of time.
Everything happened to me naturally in a way that I had no idea how it worked, without my being aware of it. I just know I have experienced enough to see I need to stop and start all over again, to be myself and to find peace in my soul. The day I left my family to have a life out there, I had always been blaming myself for interacting with other human beings and for fitting in with the community. I had a very strong acknowledgment on the conversion of myself being a thoughtful introvert into an arrogantly delusional monster. But back then I was not ripen enough to eliminate those evil thoughts and I got lost in that dark map of delusion.
After turning two significant dead ends in my 20s, I have finally seen through my problem regarding directions and I decided to turn around and get myself out of those hopeless alleys. Especially when the light of awakening has hit me so hard that I can see it clearer than ever and I can stop it right before it starts to get worse.
I have told in my previous posts about jobs I used to do and I can proudly say that I'm a hard working person, I'm not afraid of any challenges to come. I had pushed myself into a large pool of pressure too hard, to not let me fall back in depression again after my first breaking up, and it brought me severe consequences that I still feel cringy sensing back. Forcing yourself to work restlessly just makes everything worse, I'm sure of that, yeah you may have no free time for vicious thinking or tormentingly crying, it does help in a short-term manner but honestly, it's not a long-term solution.
I did get better after independently healing myself by filling my days up with several jobs but when I stopped, I was like a snake without its head, I didn't know where to go and I had nobody to lean on which caused me to run around looking for one magical mentor. I even lost myself, instead of following my appointed plan, I tried to imitate every influencer I had seen and I ascribed my action as finding inspiration. In that phase of my life, I tried to fool myself that I was living to the fullest and that how enjoyment was, but of course, I was wrong. I had lost one and a half years wasting my time in purposeless searching and I'm not sure if there was any satisfaction I actually had or it was just nostalgia hunting me every night.
In the middle of December, 2021, I once again fell into the same condition after forcing myself to work continuously. I had taken a rest for a few days and guess what, I was completely out of my mind, I let my inner thoughts flow out like a spring and disturbed other people around me because I couldn't stand being calm and quiet or I couldn't bear to stay still. It was like I was still in the exploiting motion of my exhausting momentum and my mind was not empty enough to figure it out. I've got to admit that beside of me myself reading books and awakening, there's another person contributing to my success in finding my peace back, he had lead me to the right track and I need to thank him for that. The second time suffering that syndrome, I have realized it faster and I immediately solved it. What a relief!
Believe me, if you're done with your heavy workloads, please stop and keep quiet, you will see miracles!
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