There are times I try to look back every step along the way by reading my old posts. Rereading is sort of fun, brings me the novelty of the current version compared to the old one I used to be.
I once saw a post on Reddit discussing what would happen after we die. There was a comment saying that, we die in every single second. Every movement that we are about to make in the next second is also an updated version of ourselves and the previous versions are dead, so death is the essence of our life.
And yes, I have died many times and I have lived many lives.
It's 2022, time flies as how it always does periodically. Yet I also have my anxieties and my own aspirations deep inside, it has been a hectic time for me with a whirl of thoughts needed to be rearranged in my head. I have left Saigon, the splendid city with nights of shimmering urban lights, to return to my loving hometown where my long-forgotten family has a strong bond with. I came home with my mother and my siblings along with a part of my dear departed father, to fulfill my obligation as a daughter and a family member.
Saigon in me, where I have grown up and experienced this life
Saigon in my eyes is a collection of paintings fabricated by the hustle and bustle of the city life, languid classes at different schools and humdrum office life, skirting around familiar roads lead to aromatic smells from street food vendors specialized in different regions of the country to high-class restaurants offering expensive tastes all over the world. Saigon is always busy with cheerful banter of the locals, the atmosphere fueled by all the smoke, dirt and ashes, the mechanical sound of vehicles on the street and a wonderfully exotic, sweet and restful smell slithering across every corner of this youthful city.
8 years living in Saigon, I have wandered around shantytowns and city slumps to dazzling Western-style skyscrapers to be aware of the sharp contrast of wealth and poverty. I have heard genuinely rustic stories of young university students munching on their mixed rice paper salads along the bank of Saigon river and far across the opposite side lay those fancy restaurants and liveliest bars where the city's elites have their ostentatious conversations. Yes, there was period I found myself stuck between the two worlds, being a simple kid and being someone whimsical, sipping on her cocktails in a cozy place filled with beguiling lights under the color of this contemporary culture.
Each version, is all Saigon in me, where I have grown up and experienced this life, where I turned from an innocent young girl under the protection of many people into a mature woman standing on her own feet to walk confidently on her path of becoming somebody. I love Saigon, but I also want to move away from it, and I have finally made it.
I have two best friends, I suppose so
Life of a person can't be complete without relationships. The interaction with other people also plays an important role in resonating with the existence of an individual on this complex map. Moving out of the warmth and protection of my family, I have met many friends, then I fell in love, got heartbroken and once again I had to lean on my friends to go on to feel my existence.
There were times I actually felt the blessing of having true friends who wholeheartedly care for me and help me whenever I need. I used to ask myself the question, what is a friend?
Long before, I saw friendship as something involving people who well understand others, will show up anytime needed and always provide supports on decisions their friends are going to make. But everything gradually changed when I had fully grown up, I have realized that everybody has their private lives and I'm not the center of the universe for them to revolve around me to make me happy. It's time for me to open up myself and help them with their problems, which is the equality of a relationship and there must be the reciprocity of support that keeps everything sustainable.
"Friends swear to live and die together" is just a philosophy of youth tribulations. By the time the responsibilities you take on for your career and family grow bigger, friendship will be relegated to a symmetrically reciprocal relationship in which we just can only look at each other and encourage one another to thrive on distraught feelings and life turbulence. We all have our own responsibilities and anxieties to deal with though.
I have two best friends, at least I suppose so. They have been accompanying me for quite a long time, enough to understand the person I am. There was a period in my life, I thought I was the centerpiece of their lives. Whenever my impetuous emotions emerged, I would pull them in to suffer with me, and yet they still did many things to satisfy me of which makes me of the current moment so ashamed.
My friends, one is married and one is still struggling with her family responsibilities. One is always fight for the right in him and we share common thoughts of becoming a virtuous person. Our friendship has been developing on the basis of no exploiting each other, we help each other to improve and become better versions of ourselves. He and I are so close that there is no open sexuality can trigger us, we are beyond the boundary of it.
And the other one, I don't know why we stay angry at each other all the time and I'm trying to analyze it. The way we appeared in each other's life came with an exchange that we never want to admit, it's the exploitation, however it is a positive exploitation since we all feel fine with it. I give her what she needs and she does likewise. What we need is a comfortable condition in which we can comprehend and accept the other, but unfortunately we try to turn a blind eye on our true selves, we don't try to uncover what we are hiding deep inside. I guess all these things well explain why we're always implicitly judging and watching out for one another. A selfish relationship but a beneficial one, you know what I mean? It's like two completely different individuals accept to stay together because we don't want to be lonely and we feel comfortable being with each other without wearing our masks. She has always been wondering why we hang out with each other and I didn't even mind to answer in a proper way since I was so used to being discontented with her and I didn't want to be different.
Some days ago, when my emotion wasn't stable enough, I then run to Saigon to meet my friends. I didn't meet the aforementioned friends but others. My meeting with a friend whom I deemed acquaintance has changed my view of friends a lot.
"You're even shy to open a conversation? You don't even ask how your friends are doing," said P when we were laying in hammocks and drinking coconut water.
I realize that I don't need a friend to understand me thoroughly or know my secrets. A friend unnecessarily has common social backgrounds, interests and lives with you, it's not compulsory for them to follow you everywhere, know your eating and entertaining habits, but a friend is someone who can accompany you at that specific moment, who can pat you on your shoulders to ease the grief you're contemporarily bearing, listen to your stories and let out a long sigh over the cigarette smoke or a cup of coffee.
I have met some people in my life, but I didn't open myself to let them in due to my standards of a friend who can die for me. My social circle was narrowed down to the point where I only saw the shadow of loneliness taking over my soul. I tried to look for the empathy from strangers, behind the screen of my phone, and I drove away the thought of real connection every time they mentioned it, which is so misguided.
'To me, work and family are my priorities, not myself. As long as you still see yourself as important, you haven't grown up yet,' said a friend.
I have changed a lots compared to me of 10 years ago. My brother used to shout at me something like "Now I want you to tell me, I'm your brother, do I have the right to ask where you have been?" the moment we were caught up in a fight. I was really bad. I used to tell my ex-lover with tears in my eyes, "Love is everything to me, I can die for the one I love. I don't care if I practice filial piety or not, but family is nothing compared to my love." And my ex-lover disappointedly looked at me and said, "Who taught you that? Wake up, snap out of it, your family works hard so you can have the best education there is, just because of some strangers in your life and you said that? You said you were special, then you must get over this heartbreak faster than anyone else." Winding up, I am truly ashamed of myself looking back at those desperate days.
I was an ungrateful and selfish person. My personal world was all about what I wanted and my family was never counted as a part of it. I didn't know what my siblings had been through and I thought they would never had the chance to experience things as I did, I saw myself as someone superior, as I always did.
And then, I quit my job, I started reading books to acquire more knowledge and skills, and I have realized how ridiculous the wild horse I had been. I came back home for my mom. I stay at home and witness my mom's activities on a daily basis, I observe every little thing she does, and I unconsciously rewind the film permeating my mind of my lonely enjoyment far from home while my mother was at home and did those things alone with nobody to talk or confide to.
I hang out with my sister more often and listen to her heart-to-heart stories about her past, I recognized I knew nothing. Each year of a person's life passes, he/she will definitely experience something brand new. Even though they don't have higher educational attainment than you, but how many years older than you equals how much they contemplate this one and only life before you. And you need to respect them as much as you can.
I returned to my hometown, just like starting a new life, a new journey. There was moment I couldn't get used to this salty taste of the atmosphere in Vung Tau city, I used to crave that sweetly polluted air of Saigon with its bustling rhythm, the smell bursts straight into my nostrils every time I arrive the city area, passionately in a strange way. Whatever it is, I have to move on and get used to with it. How ironic I am since I have to discover my own hometown where I had been living until 18 years old. I will continue to update how I discover Vung Tau city here, everything is getting so much fun already!
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